Lost

Yesterday, a friend told me about something that a teacher said. The teacher said,

"Ka Keng... He's totally lost."

Yes.

I'm totally lost. I do realise that and I've been looking for a way out.

People say not giving up is the hardest thing to do. For me, giving up is the hardest thing to do. That's especially true in this particular mess. All the people I've consulted with advised me to move on.

Yet, I couldn't.

Sometimes I wonder how great it is if we have an "emotion switch" that we can turn on or off to our liking. I used to believe I could achieve that. When I was just a kid, I was very bad-tempered. And naughty. So bad-tempered and naughty that my grandma almost jumped into the sea because I gave her so much trouble. That, and other incidents, naturally made controlling my emotions a major priority during childhood. As teenage years roll in, I was becoming most emotionless, most rational. No anger, no deep, extreme feelings. Like a robot. All acquaintances in my previous school would tell you that. I thought I succeeded.

Or so I thought until a year ago, until now. I was proved wrong. The harder the outer shield, the softer is the core.

It has been like a roller coaster ride with all the ups and downs. Perhaps it was the prospect of a thrilling ride that made me get in. But it turned out to be terrible and I'm not able to get out. I'm totally helpless. The emotional roller coaster of the greatest kind...

The ride will end soon. Maybe I will never get to experience the thrill I was seeking. Perhaps I will never see her again. All that remain, is just a dream.