Off to travel

At last I could online today. For the past week my Net connection was down.

Tomorrow is the last day of school, the last day of my high school. But I will be absent. I decided this evening that I will go back to Tawau tomorrow, my hometown which is located at the southeast of Sabah.

A cousin of mine will be having her wedding. Actually I've decided earlier that I will not be attending her wedding, but circumstances changed. I'm too unmotivated to really continue studying for STPM right now. So this is a chance for me to go back to my roots, rediscover myself and be inspired. Functions like wedding are said to be good for one's luck, so hopefully I will have better luck come STPM. I'm also looking forward to burn incense for my ancestors, which I've not done for a long time.

On the 3rd, we will be at Sandakan for the church wedding, and at night another reception.

I'll definitely be bringing a lot of books with me. Maybe I'll get the chance to share and discuss things with another cousin who's also taking STPM this year. This trip will make all the difference, for better or worse.

FYI, I will come back to the west coast on 4 November, while my first STPM paper is on 11 November. That's all. Thanks for reading. I'll have to pack my things now. My 200 km journey starts at 4.30 am.

Mountain to climb

Different people blog for different reasons. Some for fame, some to express themselves, and mostly a mix of both or more. For me, subconsciously, I blog to keep a person updated.

Blog dies when the flame wanes. The flame is definitely waning now. No point blogging if the person is not reading. But this blog will not be history yet. It'll be in cold storage so to say.

In wuxia (Chinese martial arts) stories, the main characters usually train atop scenic mountains. And so I shall be -- it is my exam ritual, though this time I'm a bit late getting into it. I'm leaving the civilisation to climb a mountain, metaphorically. STPM is really near so I have to devote my attention to it. I will not be blogging for a while, but I will be back...

The other parts of the party

I'm just back from our class farewell party. Lots and lots happened, but I'm only going to write about a few lesser known events that took place, all of them bad news.

Right at this particular moment, Jiron is trying to get his car out of a ditch. He went to Judy's house to get the keys of Multimedia Room, which I left in Judy's bag. He had to get the keys because we need to put back the tables and chairs that we used for the party back into the room. Somehow, he got stuck in a ditch when he reversed his car. So now, a few neighbours and Judy's father is trying to get the car out...

Earlier, when we were packing up after the party ended, William got into trouble with a teacher because of the sound system we borrowed from school. Apparently, the teacher was half-drunk and gotten mad over a small matter. This was what caused me to left the keys inside Judy's bag, as I accompanied William to meet another teacher to settle the problem. I'm positive that things will be alright, first because the Principal was with us during the party, and secondly William had permission to use the sound system.

Talking of the Principal, she said something that really struck me just now. I was shooking her hand, bidding her farewell when suddenly her grip tightened and she pulled me slightly forward towards her. Then she uttered, "Study hard. We're targetting you to get 4A's". OH -- MY -- GOSH! Why on Earth did she had such a high expectation of me!? To be really-really darn honest, I have to admit that I couldn't prepare enough to challenge 4A's. I could try, but I'm not convinced.

Sometimes people talk to me as if getting straight A's is easy. Do they understand how much I sacrificed? I'm never fond of such talks, yet I do appreciate the high regard they have for me.

Anyway, I sang a song together with Jiron and William during the party. My singing was terrible. That doesn't hurt my ego though. I realised that I'm a musical idiot long ago. The only thing I'm sorry about was to become too excited about singing and hogged the mic to the point that Jiron and William didn't get their fair share of it. Mea culpa, buddies! I apologise sincerely.

I stop here. I'm sleep-deprived and exhausted.

I know where my GPS is

I read my previous entry, "Lost" over and over again, as I do with all my other entries. But it deserves a refutation.

My first response to the teacher's remarks was, "Yes, I'm lost".

But I wasn't lost. Not exactly. You can't be totally lost when you purposely make yourself so. I still remember where I dropped my map and compass... (err, my GPS system if you're so technologically inclined). I was down, not out. So don't count me out yet.

By the way, someone I approached today (yesterday to be exact) smelled funny. The person's natural odour is unique and I could unconsciously detect the person's presence through smell. But usually it wasn't this "funny". I'm not saying that it was unpleasant, because somehow it didn't turn me off. Just that it was so "funny" it prompted me to write about it here. And according to research, male has less sensitive nose. So I wonder how the females who approached that person reacted? Loss of appetite perhaps?

Lost

Yesterday, a friend told me about something that a teacher said. The teacher said,

"Ka Keng... He's totally lost."

Yes.

I'm totally lost. I do realise that and I've been looking for a way out.

People say not giving up is the hardest thing to do. For me, giving up is the hardest thing to do. That's especially true in this particular mess. All the people I've consulted with advised me to move on.

Yet, I couldn't.

Sometimes I wonder how great it is if we have an "emotion switch" that we can turn on or off to our liking. I used to believe I could achieve that. When I was just a kid, I was very bad-tempered. And naughty. So bad-tempered and naughty that my grandma almost jumped into the sea because I gave her so much trouble. That, and other incidents, naturally made controlling my emotions a major priority during childhood. As teenage years roll in, I was becoming most emotionless, most rational. No anger, no deep, extreme feelings. Like a robot. All acquaintances in my previous school would tell you that. I thought I succeeded.

Or so I thought until a year ago, until now. I was proved wrong. The harder the outer shield, the softer is the core.

It has been like a roller coaster ride with all the ups and downs. Perhaps it was the prospect of a thrilling ride that made me get in. But it turned out to be terrible and I'm not able to get out. I'm totally helpless. The emotional roller coaster of the greatest kind...

The ride will end soon. Maybe I will never get to experience the thrill I was seeking. Perhaps I will never see her again. All that remain, is just a dream.